


Jingle Effin' Bells

by jedishampoo



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Christmas, Crack, M/M, Sex Toys, urasai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 18:03:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11788518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedishampoo/pseuds/jedishampoo
Summary: How did Sanzo get in that reindeer suit from the Saiyuki Gunlock Urasai? (And how did he get out of it?)





	Jingle Effin' Bells

**Author's Note:**

> I realized I'd never posted this. From the 2016 Saiyuki yuletide_smut exchange, for Jenniebart and her prompt, “Inappropriate Christmas gifts,” which begged for something a little crack. I took the setup from the Christmas Urasai from the Reload anime; it’s 25 seconds long and viewable here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbJjZ6-JgRc

  
  
Sanzo woke in a decent mood, but then he saw the note. It was written in Hakkai’s precise, school-teachery characters:  
  
_Honored Priest Sanzo,_  
  
Hnn. Whatever was in the rest of the note, Sanzo wasn’t going to like it, because Hakkai had barely begun the letter and already he’d reached Politeness Level Five. On a scale of one to five.  
  
_Your robe and other clothing are being laundered. I took the care and liberty of removing your personal items and placing them in my spare travel bag under the table._  
  
Sanzo looked down. Yes, there was Hakkai’s green army surplus bag, full and squared and creased and standing upright on the floor, braced against one of the table legs. The sutra had been rolled into a precise cylinder and set atop it. Symmetrically. Sanzo didn’t bother to dig through the bag; if Hakkai said his shit was in there, it was in there. There were things he hadn’t wanted anyone to see, but, well, Hakkai.  
  
_I have left you a comfortable brown robe/suit to wear in the meantime. Feel free to take a shower. We are very fortunate that this inn I chose has hot water._  
  
Yes, yes, Hakkai could just drop dead with his smug ass. Sanzo hadn’t wanted to stop here, had wanted to keep going as far as they could in the mountains.  
  
_We three are having an early breakfast, and then we are assisting the inn staff with decorating for their Christmas party. It’s for the children, you understand._  
  
Christmas. What the three-headed fuck was that all about? They were nearly in Tibet. Weren’t these people supposed to be Buddhist? Driving through the blinding snow the previous evening, had they somehow crossed a barrier to some bizarre not-China, where everyone celebrated the Western god, the one Hazel Grouse had so loved to talk on and on about?  
  
Sanzo shrugged. Well, reaching an alternate dimension certainly wouldn’t be the strangest thing that had happened to them on this journey.  
  
His shrug had dislodged the old, worn quilt hanging over his shoulders. Sanzo shivered and yanked it back up to secure it around his neck with one fist. It smelled like stale cigarette smoke and Gojyo’s cologne.  
  
_Join us at your convenience, if you wish. Sincerely, your servant, Cho Hakkai._  
  
Politeness Level Five-Point-Five, maybe?  
  
The promised brown robe proved to be folded atop the small inn room’s only chair. It did look plush and warm. And a hot shower did sound pretty good.  
  
First, a smoke. There was a fresh pack of Marlboros on the table, and a lighter, and an ashtray containing two scrunched Hi-Lite butts. There was also what looked like a pot of tea, along with a used teacup and a clean teacup. If Gojyo knew what was good for him, he’d left plenty of tea for Sanzo.  
  
Gojyo did know; the tea was even still a little lukewarm. There was no newspaper, but also nothing the yokels out here could have to say that Sanzo would want to read. So he drank tea and smoked two cigarettes in peace. His current mood was … not bad. Surprising. And a shower would improve it further. So he dropped the quilt, grabbed the robe, and walked, nakedly and briskly, down the chilly hallway to the showers.  
  
The shower operated on an old-fashioned pulley system. The water was warm enough. Not what one could get in Chang’An, but not bad for a tiny, podunk town like this one. And the soap was unscented, just the way he liked it.  
  
His relatively good mood took a brief turn for the worse when he went to put on the robe: it had feet in it. And the hood had some fake eyeballs and strange, horn-like things stuck on the top. It was less like a robe and more like … novelty pajamas.  
  
But it was soft as it looked and served as a snug barrier between his damp skin and the chilly air, so he zipped it up and made do. Maybe in this weirdo, mountainous, Christmas-celebrating place they’d landed, everyone wore shit like this just to stay warm.  
  
He snagged his smokes and lighter from the room and made his way downstairs to find out what the assholes were up to. All he had to do was follow the noise: Goku’s excited chatter, Hakkai’s even-toned mumbles, and Gojyo’s boisterous bitching.  
  
He entered the inn’s common room to see the assholes dressed even more outlandishly than he was. All three wore bizarre red suits with matching pointy hats, all outlined with fluffy white trim. They were fussing around a cut fir tree. Indoors.  
  
Sanzo cleared his throat and announced himself. “What the hell is this.”  
  
“Good morning, Sanzo!” Goku called out. He was hanging sparkly shit on the tree.  
  
“You slept late,” Gojyo said with a grin. He was balancing some brightly wrapped packages.  
  
“We were getting ready to start the Christmas party,” Hakkai said.  
  
Ah. Maybe this was all Christmas crap? “Why am I the only one dressed like this?”  
  
Nobody answered. A golden star fell from the top of the tree, and Hakkai bent to pick it up. “Jingle bells,” he said, and Goku said, “Jingle bells.”  
  
Sanzo stared. Goddamn, this was some weird-ass place, and no lie. His companions had been replaced by demons, or shikigami, or, or … something else. He swiveled on one foot (paw?) and prepared to fetch a weapon, any weapon -- the stupid robe didn’t have any pockets -- but he felt a firm hand on his shoulder.  
  
“Oi, Sanzo. Calm it down, princess. We didn’t think you’d put on a red suit, so we left you the reindeer getup.”  
  
The person … sounded like Gojyo. He was enough of a smartass that Sanzo wanted to smack him, anyway. And what the hell was a reindeer?  
  
“I’m going to get my sutra, and then I will kill you all,” Sanzo said.  
  
Gojyo laughed. “Aww, come on. We were about to let the kids in. Stay for it! We went out and bought presents.”  
  
“I used the Gold Card,” Hakkai said.  
  
“And we have presents for us, too!” Goku called over.  
  
Presents? At least they weren’t still saying _jingle bells_. “Hn,” Sanzo said. He shook out a cigarette and lit it, willing to listen further.  
  
It turned out that the red suits were a Christmas thing, as well as the tree with all the sparkly shit, and a reindeer was some flying animal from the far, far north and west, like a dragon but with antlers instead of horns and fur instead of scales, and the packages were toys for the village children.  
  
“This is gonna be so much fun,” Goku squealed, arranging the boxes under the tree.  
  
“I must say, this has been a lovely morning. We should celebrate Christmas every year,” Hakkai said.  
  
Next to Sanzo, Gojyo stretched his arms to the ceiling and rocked back and forth on his tippytoes, knowing full well that the pose set off his lean muscles to advantage. Even in a stupid red suit. He winked suggestively. “Yeah. It’s like … there’s something to this peace on Earth crap.”  
  
“And goodwill toward men,” Hakkai added.  
  
Gojyo shrugged. “I dunno. You feel it too, don’tcha, Sanzo?”  
  
He’d sure felt Gojyo sneak that hand onto his ass. He slapped it away.  
  
“What kind of presents?” he asked.  
  
“Ah hah hah. You’ll find out later,” Hakkai said. He adjusted his glasses and squinted at Sanzo. He grinned. “Might I find you an ashtray, Sanzo? I don’t think the children should see a reindeer smoking.”  
  
“Fuck,” Sanzo said. But he put it out. Hakkai’s words said Politeness Level Four, but his smile was only a Three at best.  
  
The children did not see a reindeer smoking. They got their toys, and their group exchanged the presents everyone had bought (except for Sanzo, but it had all been on his Gold Card, so that counted as him having bought it all in the end). The three got each other some stupid stuff. Goku had picked out some canned peaches for Sanzo; Hakkai had bought him a bottle of good rice wine and new pair of jeans. Gojyo laughed and said he’d forgotten Sanzo.  
  
But lack of tribute from Gojyo aside, the day wasn’t as horrific as it could have been. The inn had decent booze. That helped. At first the children seemed inclined to cling to Sanzo more than necessary, but he soon discovered that if he scowled at them enough, they went the fuck away.  
  
It was late afternoon when everyone finally left and their laundry arrived from the cleaners. Sanzo snagged the stacked and folded parcel and headed back upstairs to get re-dressed in his normal clothing.  
  
Gojyo caught up with him in the hallway outside their room.  
  
“Oi. I didn’t, uh, actually forget you.” He hesitated, biting his lip. He had his hands behind his back. Some of his red hair had escaped his ponytail and was straggling over his forehead. It was a strangely vulnerable pose. At Sanzo’s glare, he shrugged. “Well, yeah. Here ya go, monk.”  
  
He handed Sanzo a box, about nine centimeters square, wrapped in paper decorated with strange, white, rounded snow creatures. Sanzo shifted their laundry under his arm and took the box.  
  
“What is this?”  
  
Gojyo rolled his eyes, his hesitant attitude evaporating. “Well, ya gotta open it, shithead.”  
  
Sanzo snorted and tore open the paper. “Vibro-Pussy 5000,” he read from the package.  
  
Gojyo slapped his knee and laughed loud enough to echo down the corridor. The moron. “Yeah! Didja know this town has a sex shop?”  
  
Sanzo turned the box over and around, looking at the lurid pictures printed upon it. “But what the hell does it do?”  
  
Now Gojyo had found his true comfortable mode: perverted. He leaned his elbow against the doorjamb and winked down at Sanzo. “Wanna find out?”  
  
Sanzo snorted. Well, he did have a good bottle of wine, too. “Yeah,” he said.  
  
Half an hour later, Sanzo wondered if there would be enough wine in the world to soothe his poor, battered body; he was knees-down on the bed, with Gojyo pounding into him from behind and the Vibro-Pussy 5000 trying to vibrate his cock into oblivion from the front.  
  
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Sanzo panted, in time with Gojyo’s thrusts. Sweat dripped into his eyes and he wanted to wipe the sting away, but he didn’t want to lift a hand from the bed because he was barely upright as he was on two, fuck, his balls felt stretched as tight as an archer’s bowstrings--  
  
“Huh … huh … how is it? You, huh, gotta tell me,” Gojyo said, staccato and hoarse. He was sweating like crazy, too; his hands on Sanzo’s hips were slippery, and the room resounded with the wet smacks of their bodies slapping together.  
  
Vibro-Pussy 5000 didn’t even require hands; Vibro-Pussy 5000 clung to Sanzo’s cock all on its own, humming, pulsating, quivering …  
  
“It’s … it’s good,” Sanzo managed, before Gojyo angled his thrust just right, good moron, and hit something deep inside, and Sanzo came like falling off a mountain. No, like jumping off a mountain, flaming and screaming.  
  
Sanzo yanked the now-sticky Vibro-Pussy 5000 off his cock before he let himself collapse and before the devastating stimulation sent him into shock. He was so boneless he let Gojyo hold him up while he finished. It was pretty quick; that had been an orgasm they’d feel in India, let alone someone who still had a cock in Sanzo’s ass.  
  
It was five minutes or so before they could even manage to light their cigarettes.  
  
Gojyo picked up the Vibro-Pussy 5000, wiping it half-assedly on the bed first, and held it up between them.  
  
“Man, I gotta try this,” he said through a cloud of exhaled smoke.  
  
“That’s mine,” Sanzo said.  
  
Gojyo pouted. “Hey! I found it in the shop. I’ll even let ya fuck me next time, if ya want.”  
  
Sanzo took a long drag and then exhaled, the stream of smoke joining the lazy cloud hovering about the ceiling. He felt pretty good. “Maybe you can try it,” he said at last.  
  
Gojyo laughed. “Well, jingle my fuckin’ bells. Peace on Earth to you, too.”  
  
“Yeah,” Sanzo said.  
  
He wouldn’t say _goodwill toward men,_ because it just wasn’t true.


End file.
